Part 1: Quick life update
I tried out for the Urban Expressions independent color guard—and I made it! I'm really excited! There is so much talent there, and I'll be part of it! It's a big plate I'm stepping up to, but the fact that I made it
makes me really proud of myself. Downside, it's $500-800 that I don't have, so I'll need to be doing fundraisers and begging and nixing gifts in favor of money. Doing this will be a lot of work. Lots of practice. Lots of trying to get money! But we work for the things we want, and I need to remember that.
I applied for a job as a library shelver. I'm waiting to see if I'll get any interviews. I'm afraid that I won't find a position flexible enough, but I really, really, really hope I will. XX
I have a boyfriend. His name is Anthony, and he's very sweet. A big reason behind my smiles!
College is awesome. I don't even have to wake up until 9! I feel like I have more free time, even if I do have a lot of work. Grateful for having taken AP classes now!
Currently seeking someone who will serial-watch horror movies with me. My horror buddy is out of the business for now. :(
Part 2: I need to talk about it to someone
My favorite class has been Gender Communications. It's completely fascinating! And completely frustrating! Now that I really see gender in things, I can't un-see it.
A lot of my frustration comes from the differences in gendered communication. Femininity and masculinity are socialized to claaaaaash. Someone reaches out, someone pushes back, both feel disrespected. Blah. (Did you know? Heterosexual couples report the least satisfaction with their relationships.)
Right now my own gender has been making me feel... guilty. I identify as a woman. I consider myself pretty feminine, with a few masculine traits.
Gender roles. Cultural prescriptions for what is appropriate for a gender. I
feel guilty when I fall into the traditional feminine gender role: look
pretty, take up little space, talk kindly, always smile, be clean and
tidy. But I've been socialized into it—all of those things are comfortable for me, even if I feel sick when I smile at the people who make me uneasy.
I realize I
don't have to be completely feminine or completely masculine—I can
identify as a woman and do whatever I damn well please. But I still
wonder how other people perceive me. When I put on lipstick,
do people think I'm trying to be sexy? When I don't smile at strangers, do they think I'm stuck-up? If I'm assertive, do people think I'm a bitch? Because at the end of the day, gender is still cultural. I can do whatever I damn well please, but I can't tell people how to deal with it.
Someday I think I want to get married, get a house, have kids. I'm afraid that my future spouse would subscribe to traditional gender roles. That maybe they'll expect me to drop my career to take care of kids. That maybe I'll get the "second shift" alone. I'm afraid they wouldn't understand that I can't be that person, that I won't be. No matter how much I love them, this will matter to me. And if I couldn't get them to understand, I wouldn't be able to marry them. Which is scary. What other people expect of me is scary, because sometimes it gets really, really personal. (Anyway, marriage is a long way off, so I shouldn't worry now. But potential gender explosions scary!)
Double whammy: I'm actually kinda scared to post this because showing insecurity in gender roles is like, a big no-no or whatever. I don't know.
At the end of the day, I guess I just gotta do me. Do as I damn well please even if it's scary! *sassy walks away*
*Sassy walks back with Scott Pilgrim comics* Read these and be happy. *struts away with finality*
DFTBA
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