Trigger Warning:

depression, self-harm, suicide, eating disorders

            It's kind of nice knowing that the only people who read this blog are people who stalk me.  Hi, stalkers.
            So I don't know.  School started.  I'm stressed, money-wise, time-wise... stress-wise.  But really, I don't give a shit about my problems.  Throw me the shittiest day.  I don't give a shit about my problems.
            All I want, now and forever, is for people to be okay.  Just okay.  I wish it wasn't such a tall order.  I wish it wasn't just a wish.  Every wish I make is for "the health and safety of my loved ones/the happiness of my loved ones".  Pennies, stars, meteors, railroad tracks, eyelashes....  Occasionally it comes to "The health and safety of (name)."  "The happiness of (name)."  I hope and I wish, and perhaps someday the universe will get back to them with good karma.  I hope and I wish; it's all I know to do.
            I hate depression.  I don't hate a single fucking thing more than I hate depression.  It's an illness.  It's a monster with the gravity of a black hole.  I hate hearing people say, "Make yourself happy.  It's all in your head."  Yeah.  Just like you can "happy away" arthritis.  Just like diabetes is all in your pancreas.  Just like leukemia is all in your bones. 
            My friends... I have varying degrees of knowledge.  One friend lets me know if he's depressed.  I spend late nights hugging him and crying because I don't want him to kill himself.  I tell him I love him when he tells me he's cutting, because I can't think of anything else to say.  One friend makes ambiguous tweets about cutting, hopelessness, loneliness.  I don't know what to say to her, either.  One friend tells me he's feeling better, and soon he tells me he's feeling worse.  Most of the time he says nothing, which scares me more.  One friend seems totally fine, but occasionally he tells me he doesn't think his pills are working.  That he's not sure he wants them to work.  That he's tired of taking medication, changing meds, talking to therapists he doesn't really like.  That he's afraid if he wasn't depressed, he would be a different person. 
            Every single one of them is wonderful.  They are the type of people who follow anorexic girls on Twitter to tell them they're beautiful, even though they know it doesn't fix things.  They ask their friends if they're okay, without ever telling them that they themselves are not.  They hug people when they had a bad day.  They stay up late nights asking their friends not to kill themselves, even though they've been there too.  They tell me they want me to be happy, even when they are nowhere close. 
            I want them to be okay.  They deserve to be okay.
            It takes money and medication and time to make depression better, and I hear it's a tough journey, even if you have all of those things at your disposal.  But students have to pay for school.  Medication takes trial and error.  Their side effects can be depressing in themselves: nausea, increase in depression, increase in suicidal thoughts.  Even if they work, you can be getting better and never know because you still don't feel good.  And there's this social stigma that says you can't talk about depression, because it's not real.  You're whiny.  You're just looking for attention.  There are worse things in the world.  So you suffer alone, again.
            Tell a friend he should go to the emergency room, except he could never afford it.  Talk one friend out of suicide, but live knowing that next week we could be together in tears again.  Hear someone calling putting on a happy face "staying strong".
            I hate depression.  I hate it more than wet socks, bird poop in my hair, diabetes, Hitler.  Nothing would make me happier than happiness.  True, lasting, happiness.  Or contentedness.  Being okay.  Even feeling "not bad".
            But I don't know what I can do.  I can try to be a friend.  I can give them hugs.  I can let them talk to me, even though I will have no words to give back except "I love you."
            So I'll keep doing that.  I'll make wishes for them to get better, and hope every day that, somehow, wishes work.  I'll tell them I love them.  They'll never grasp how much I do.

            I love you so much. 

DFTBA