Sometimes I just feel pathetic compared to everyone else. And then I remember that I shouldn't feel bad for myself for doing too little, but bad for others for doing too much. The people I compare myself too proclaim their displeasure and stress with their lives regularly. I am grateful that I still have slight hours to myself.
But I still feel like I do too much. I feel like there is too much expected of me. Because I have had high expectations for myself, everyone else has caught on. My sister has told me she sometimes feels stressed out by it. I set my parents up to have really high expectations for me, and they start expecting the same of her.
Thus, the following is my complaining about my current stressors:
Color guard is constant. In the past, it served as stress relief. To an extent, it still does, but less and less.... As captain, I try to make everyone positive and able to do what they need, but it rarely happens all at once. Sarah wasn't at practice Tuesday, so I was on my own. My school day was great! But then people were late, wouldn't focus, had to be told the same things over and over again. I just got so frustrated; it felt like we'd gotten nowhere. Try. Fail. Excuses. Try again. "I think that..." Excuses. Try again. One girl had a tear-filled breakdown. I bit my tongue. I don't know how people do it on their own. I understand Sarah's frustrations—she does all she can, but it's up to us. Individuals do all they can, but it's up to us. The failing of one person is the failing of us all, and that freaking sucks.
I also started learning sabre this week. Which is really cool! I've always wanted to! But we're expected to perform it on Saturday, with more pressure than ever to get first. Fuuuuu—
My AP classes are like AP classes always are: a lot of freaking work. I'm truly grateful that the rest of my classes are easy, and that I enjoy almost every class I have.
I hate talking bad about teachers. So I'll just say that a change in leadership has led to my displeasure and lack of motivation in what used to be my favorite class.
Getting Senioritis. I am super excited to graduate. And super sad, now. It's only three months away. Holy freaking hell. It's the end of the chapter that has been my whole freaking life so far.
Other humans can talk to humans and make jokes and not feel like a dummy all the time.
Prom is on Saturday. Money money money, must be funny. I have never been asked to a dance, and this is no exception. All the boy's choice dances I've been to have been set up. So that's encouraging. At least I'll be with my friends, so it should be fun.
Everyone's going to be leaving on their missions, or to other
colleges. Graduation can't give you abandonment issues, can it? If I
was Mormon, I'm sure I'd see it as a weirdly comforting pain to have
them leave, but it's just pain for me. I wish I grew up somewhere
else. Starting to think I might never get out of Utah. I love the place, it's gorgeous. I just want a people transplant...
So, I still have my formative issues with religion as a barrier between human beings.
Monster Concert. Yay, middle schoolers!
Scholarships. My mom wants me to apply for a Girl Scout scholarship, but it's due on Friday and I don't think I'll get it anyway. I'm going for it just because she's telling me to. I don't want to. It would be a thousand dollars, but at this moment, it doesn't feel worth it.
And then there's sleep. Everything extra I do takes away from my sleep. I should be sleeping now. I should probably always be sleeping, with the rate I've lost it.
On the plus side, spring is coming. I saw the crocuses all in bloom and could see the tulip leaves and mint starting to poke up from the ground again. I felt so happy, I opened all of the windows and put on my shorts, singing, "I'm too sexy for my socks," like the joyous weirdo I am.
At Academic Decathlon state, I won gold in Art in the Honors category and Team Top Scholar with a $100 scholarship!
I hear David Bowie might go back on tour?? Sexy beast, I must go!
I'm getting better at always remembering that other people are people too. It seems like such a simple idea, but it's easy to forget. When you notice yourself making snap judgements, pull yourself back for a minute. Recognizing where you fail in knowing people is the first step to fixing your thoughts, and thus, your relationships with other people. Your relationship with the world is really something special.
Even when it gets so, so hard... DFTBA.
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