More FEARS

        So now that I know I got into a university... I'm starting to panic about the reality even more.
        The U of U is like, $9,000 dollars a year or some really big number like AHH!  Presidential scholarships (fingers crossed XX) will be initially awarded or something this month.  I need to fill out the FAFSA to even begin getting aid.  I need to apply for scholarships, but all of the ones I like, I feel unmotivated to do or don't feel creative/talented enough.  Time spent is daunting!  And then if I don't get to all of that stuff... I'll need to get a job.  I probably need to get a job anyway.  I can't just go through life with no job experience.  And it looks like no jobs I would actually enjoy don't require experience, so that's terrifying.  Maybe I'll never be hired. 
        "Money, money, money... must be funny... in a rich man's world!"
        Oh my god oh my god oh my god

        This month has been insane.  I stayed up to 3 AM last night/this morning finishing all of my final projects.  More tests next week.  Sterling Scholar stuff is due.  I need to memorize stuff for Poetry Out Loud.  I need to apply for scholarships!  I have a dance and I am socially awkward but hope it will be fun anyway.  More social situations in which I will still probably be socially awkward!  Academic decathlon competition is coming up very soon!  Color guard competition stuff starts next week! 
        I kind of feel like I expect too much of myself... but then, I feel like I would disappoint myself if I *didn't* do all of this stuff...
        I don't know where I'll find a healthy balance of challenge and fulfillment, if I ever do. 

        OH MY GOD WHY IS STUFF

        More and more of my friends are reading TFiOS!  Which makes me happy, but also sad.  I'm sort of obsessed with the beauty of John Green books, so having a friend throw their copy across a room stabs me right in the feels.  And they laugh and then I know they'll cry and I can't decide if I'm glad they know about it or if I should feel bad for them.  And then people are like, "Have you heard of this amazing book??" and I'm like, "Yes!  I recommended it to everyone a year ago and you didn't listen!"  Kind of like the Unwind books by Neal Shusterman.  I loved that book in 8th grade.  And I told people I loved it.  I recommended it.  And now those same friends who read it years later do the whole, "Oh my gosh, best book ever!" and I'm just like NOT ALLOWED.
        I'm a selfish reader. 

        Don't forget to be awesome.