I don't find time specifically for posting updates to my life much anymore. Which is really too bad. I've neglected my blog, I've neglected my journals. All I have is the tiny boxes of my calendar filled with almost-illegible tiny words in an attempt to summarize good days.
Calendars. It's 1 AM and I feel overwhelmed. I really hate Januaries now, if I'm being honest. January was a really terrible month last year, and now I can't escape the dread of it again. The "new year" brings immense pressure. It almost hurts to think about the 363.5 days ahead of me as a whole, because I'm stressed already and I can't see what new stresses those days will bring. A year is entirely constructed—I can say a year goes from July 1st to the next July 1st, and I won't be wrong. But I've bought into our construction, or I've at least bought calendars that start with January. Every month feels like I'm closer to accomplishing something—the year—and I can almost breathe a sigh of relief when it gets to the end and I know I made it through. Then I have to do it again.
It's not any calendar's fault. I've put myself under a lot of stress, and I don't see a way out of it. Really a lot of my life is driven by fear, or by just not knowing what else I could be doing. I started college because I really didn't see any other options. I'm still in college because I have my scholarship, I feel a duty to stay, and I still don't see any other options. But I also don't see any options I really like for when I graduate. I feel like I'm hopping from semester to semester hoping inspiration will find me. That one day I'll know my career path. It will be a literal road laid down before me. I'll have a direction to go, and people won't tell me, "You know, it's really hard to get a job in publishing," or, "So you're going to be an English teacher?" or "Nobody is ever a full-time poet (my own observation)." Or at least I'll know what to say back besides, "Ha ha! I'm hoping!" Because it doesn't always feel hopeful.
Work is also a huge drain on me right now. I'm in mental recovery from the holiday season, and so is everyone else. Anyone who liked being on register before wants to hide just as much as I do, so I feel chained there yet again by duty. I've had some really great customers, but I'm so drained by every body I come in contact with. I got this job because I was afraid. I had a mental breakdown about April last year and convinced myself I would literally never be employed if I wasn't employed soon. I meant to get a summer job, and applied for a temp position. But they were hiring permanent—I just said yes and cried in my car. I know I can leave any time. It's my right. But I'm, again, afraid. I'm afraid that if I quit, circumstances will go awry and I'll actually need that money. When I get my next job, "Why did you leave your last job?" It's not too bad. I've got flexibility so I can work only 10-12 hours a week when school's in. Maybe things will go back to normal and I won't feel so tired out by the thought of it.
In other January news, getting my wisdom teeth out on Tuesday. That's gonna be nonstop fun. It's not like I'm sometimes terrified to go to normal sleep with risk of low blood sugar complications. It's not like the building looks like an LDS church, and it's not like those aesthetics make me uncomfortable. It's not like it's furnished with more care for advertising economic success than for actual patient comfort. It's not like any list of "things that could go wrong" looks like "things that will go wrong". It's not like I'm already self-conscious about my puffy cheeks.
And then to top it all off, communication is hard. I'm really grateful to have Anthony. It was good to start this year off with him. But otherwise, friendships are feeling really difficult. Ryan's still hundreds of miles away. As for my friends who live here, I feel like I'm always reaching out, not being reached to. It's a struggle to see them once a month, what with everyone leading independent lives. I don't really know how to do it.
Today was good until now. Saw my family. Cleaned my room. Listened to Fictionists and painted my nails. Finished Portal 2. Finished a Christmas/birthday present for a friend. Watched so many VSauce videos with Alex and Dad—I'm really grateful for the cute curiosity my family has. But I can't really get over how much I don't want to go to work tomorrow, don't want my wisdom teeth out, don't want to start another semester already, don't want to lose touch with my friends, don't want to lose touch with myself. Happy new year.
DFTBA, even when you kinda FTBA.
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