Waking Up at Summer's End

           I see my blog in my bookmarks every single day. I've looked at the front page who knows how often, yet here I am without a post in five months. Overwhelmed every time by the prospect of organizing an un-organized life into words. Literally half-way through a first paragraph, I say I can't handle it right now and click away and forget about it. This month things seem to be tipping the other way. I can handle this because words are temporary forgetfulness and remembrance of an idea. If I feel like life is out of control, at least a word has reins.
            This month stressed me out before it began. Just the prospect of everything to come made—and makes—me want to skip it and forget it. I think I might have anxiety. It runs in the family. I feel like thinking "I might have anxiety" distances me from it, though. I feel like I'm in control knowing I'm not in control? I should probably see someone about it, but I keep thinking I can handle it. I don't really know anymore if I worry about things a "normal" amount, or if everyone else is more peaceful at 3 A.M. than I am. But I don't want to be put on drugs, because side-effects, even just potential, cause me as much stress as anything else.
            Work (it's been so long: I have a job at a retail chain store now) is simultaneously stressful and calming. People scare the shit out of me, especially people with coupons that won't work on Nike (because they always want them to work on Nike). The occasional day where I freaking own at that register, though—man, I feel a sort of pride. Today, I wasn't afraid of people. Calming—I'm in control, I am capable. Go-backs and cleaning are usually calming too. I stay busy, so I don't have time to think about anything but my work. There's no time to stress about anything else. Recently though, the down-time I have to organize tie displays is flooded with outside stress. How's my health? How's my family's health? Is this person upset with me? Will school destroy me? Can I be a full time student and still work? Do I have enough money to pay for gas? Will this stupid cough ever go away? Where do I have free time? I haven't finished a book in months... I'm honestly just terrified for school to start. I'm terrified for the holiday season to come. I'm terrified that I won't be able to handle it, that I'll have to quit and maybe they won't understand. The logic parts of my brain can talk me out of any  worries, but the illogical parts sometimes just talk me back in.
            To bring the month to one of its many sharp points, one of my best friends is leaving. Day after tomorrow. Tonight was the last night I'll see him until he next finds his way back. It still hasn't totally hit me that Ryan will be gone. That I won't have that someone who will meet me halfway at 2 A.M. on a bad night. It still feels like he can't be leaving, because it feels like it's always been this way. Strange to think we've only been friends for a year and a half now, when it feels like it's been a lifetime. I know we'll both be okay, but I'll miss him a lot once I'm really staring goodbye in the face.
            On the positive, I'm really lucky to have the people in my life that I do. My family is always wonderful and supportive. Anthony is always a sweetheart and a goof. I have great friends who are funny and understanding. My co-workers usually aim to bring a smile to my face. I think people do more good than they get credit for.
            Wake me up when September ends? Er, when August ends...

DFTBA