I've spent a lot of summer so far having flashbacks to ninth grade year. Not because the comforting yuck of high school was like the terror of eighth grade. No, I've just spent a lot of time on the swings. And messing up my sleep "schedule". (Meh, there's routine. Who needs daylight for the internet?)
My body has probably outgrown swings, or simply outgrown itself. In sixth grade I was still terrified by the thought of tampons. Six years later, I come back to that swing-set with thighs pressed together and forcing me to swing pigeon-toed. Ninth grade, I sat on those swings and tried to make an honest poet of myself. Self-plug, I think I've gotten a bit better. But it's the stupid answers to unasked questions like, "shadows are really just the absence of light" and "I will never see these clouds again, and they will never see me" that gave me an appreciation for the passing thought. I don't know what poetry is. I could talk to you about it, sure. I could hook you up with some mega-awesometastic poets. But honestly? I write crap down because I will forget it before I forget my own name, and that's too soon.
Every second of my life is a passing thought. I treasure my past because the nostalgia holds these strings of me together. I don't need to sever pieces of myself to make room. RachelBot 2.0 is gonna be bad ass and still remember the fear. The fear of visiting campus alone. The fear for a friend's happiness. The fear of losing people I love. The fear of running out of freaking chocolate milk mix. The fear of jumping into the abyss not knowing if it's as empty as it sounds.
So, yes, if I could compartmentalize my life, June would be the month of existential crises. Really though, who are we kidding? If it was just a month of one's life, we wouldn't have so much existential art in the world. I'll be scared again. I'll want to cry for all reasons and for none of them. I'll stare at GIFs of a "kitten burrito" for straight minutes. I'll hug my sister until she thinks it's awkward. I'll be blogging at 4:13 A.M. again, I'm sure.
Just like I can't split up my past evenly, I can't split up my future.
I need to remember to be grateful for my days turning to years. I'm lucky to have time passing with me. I can do things to better myself, and others. I can also do things like laze around and just eat up 2 Broke Girls episodes like potato chips. Those days are needed. (Also, Kat Dennings is the best.)
Of course I'll be worrying. I come from anxious blood! I'll be anxious. But my anxieties can be used for good! I'm anxious, but I'm so hopeful. I know I can do these things. The process ends up being the most exciting part. Life is but a "process of finding and re-finding yourself."
Some more life updates: I got a 5 on my AP Biology and AP English Literature and Composition tests! I wasn't expecting to do so well, especially remembering how badly I felt... yet another reason to believe in myself. That score was really important to me. "English Literature and Composition" is basically what I want to do with the rest of my life. Being told I'm "extremely well qualified" is flattering—flirting with me in all the right ways (except that it's just a number on an academic website and not a human being, ya know). Guys, take hint—I like my ego gently stroked.
We've been getting some wonderful summer storms! I'm awe-struck every time I sit to watch the lightning and feel the thunder shaking my house.
I went to Barnes & Noble yesterday. I almost cried looking at the reader's guide in The Fault in Our Stars: "Exclusive Collector's Edition". Thank goodness it's all on TFiOS Questions Answered! I bought The Book Thief and Divergent, highly-recommended. Super grateful for that $50 gift card Daisy Buchanan got me, it's finally gone. Buying books is extremely satisfying.
Also, I might have had slight influence on a friend reading TFiOS! It's literally the only book I suggest to every single person ever. I want you to laugh until your heart breaks. Accept it. Read The Fault in Our Stars.
Every time this song comes up, it overtakes me, and I'm reminded of why it is my favorite song. As a lover of music, it's good. As a lover of words, it's wonderful.
Finally, some mantras.
"If the ocean can calm itself, so can you. We are both salt water mixed with air."
"When I breathe in, I breathe in peace—when I breathe out, I breathe out love."
"When I breathe in, I breathe in peace—when I breathe out, I breathe out love."
"Don't forget to be awesome."
DFTBA
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