Okay? "Okay" but Not Okay.

          I just literally deleted a big long page of "I don't know what to do with myself/my life/my emotions", because it was not helping me much at all.  So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to make a list of goals/things that I want to do with myself.  And hopefully that will help me to feel okay instead of just acting "okay".

-- Learn to play the piano.  I've been saying I want to do this for... at least a year and a half.  The last time I tried to touch a piano key I failed (to touch one key) because I was too embarrassed.  My complete lack of musical skills makes me feel sort of... pathetic.  Especially since all of my friends are in band/orchestra/choir except me.
-- Write routine for summer color guard (especially if we can't find an instructor).
-- Send a birthday package to Eva.  I actually have a gift for her already, I just need to get the color guard (and maybe anyone else who wants to) to sign it, and actually go down to the post office to have it mailed to her, even though I know her birthday isn't for another month.
-- Become friends with a person that means a lot to me again.  Find what we still have in common and work our way up.
-- Don't cry as much.
-- (Deleted because it's not a helpful goal/it is impossible to control.)
-- Stop procrastinating so much.  At least have my homework done before 10:00 P.M. on school nights...
-- Stop feeling sorry for myself.  Start feeling like I have potential in the world.
-- Become friends with more band members.  I have this theory that it gets harder and harder to make new friends with each year out of elementary school, but I want to make new friends again.  I like, you know, having friends. (enthusiastic half-fist-pump)
-- Help my sister to feel good about herself.
-- Have a 7.3 hemoglobin A1C test within my next two diabetes doctor appointments.  My blood sugar has been vacillating around 55 to 300 (literally, I have been all of those without eating or bolusing withing a 6 hour period -- I need to fix my basal rate, so...), and though sometimes that crazily comes out to an alright A1C, I want to take good care of my diabetes, and live a healthy life.
-- Fix my nighttime basal rates.
-- Continue to resist tuna. (It is literally the only meat that tempts me. BUT I WILL CONTINUE to not give in.)
-- Vote!  I'm literally excited that I will get to vote in the presidential election this year. 
-- Find some way to bring down the ELECTORAL COLLEGE OF EVIL.  Possibly accomplish this with a mutual destruction of Jell-O.  Though, I do hate the ELECTORAL COLLEGE OF EVIL more than Jell-O.
-- Find ways to help other people to avoid feeling the same way I've been feeling for the past month and a half. 
-- Do some anonymous good deeds.  I've done a few, and they feel great -- no one has to know it was me, it just feels good to do good.
-- Start regularly riding my bike again.  I went for a bike ride today and it felt great, besides the immense pain of the cold in my ears.  This coincides with wanting to be in shape for marching band season.  I love marching band so much.  I feel like it's probably the backbone of my high school career.  I don't know where I'd be without it and all of the people it's introduced me to.

Random note: sometimes I feel dumb.  And sometimes I feel dumb and then put a dumb smile on my face and feel happy about my dumbness. :-)

Anyway, I'm going to go do some other stuff.  And hopefully I'll actually be okay soon.