First mental breakdown of April.  Look!  I went approximately five days without feeling like
THE COMPLETE AND UTTER SHIT THAT I AM.

Fuck.

Why does it have to be this way?
Why do I have to be this way?? Why do I have to be this way?...

The unanswerable question.  I don't know if I'd want the answer.  Some religious fanatic would say, "God made you this way.  It's all part of his plan.  You'll learn something from being afraid of being forgotten, from being afraid that you really are alone, even around family and friends.  You're learning a lesson from losing your grip on reality and your understanding of what you desire in life.  God is teaching you, but don't despair.  God is with you through all of these painful lessons, and you just need to look for Him in your heart and He will help you through it.  He wants you to understand these things so that you can make the world a better place."  But that's sort of like saying, "Hell, your tears are good.  Maybe you can dehydrate yourself enough if you keep it up for a few months without drinking that you'll shrivel up like a prune.  And then Entropy with have you in Its gently disturbing and destroying grip, and It will help you to destroy everything.  Ever.  And you will become one with It, because It. Fucking. Sucks."

Cheers, pals.  And cheers to you, the people whom I am thinking of and wondering if I will love you the same way I loved you yesterday (or even three hours ago) after this mental breakdown.  Or the next one.  Or the next, inevitable, one.  Because if my fucked-up mind has taught me anything in the past hour, it's that everything feels worthless if you break it down into itsy bitsy bits. But I don't want it to forever. But I also don't have any way to make sure that it won't.  Damn me if I don't feel alone and worthless right now.  And damn me if I do.  And damn me for writing this, and damn me if anyone is actually reading this, because, fuck, then maybe I'd have helped someone else feel like shit and maybe entropy really does have me, the oh high and mighty destroyer. 

But who knows?  If this disappears within the next day, maybe I'll have gotten over this "phase" of my life for a few hours, enough to feel bad for laying my problems down so other people can look at them and say, "Shit, Rachel, stop complaining.  Some people are starving, and some people are being raped.  A mind-fuck isn't too bad.  Shut up."  Or at least enough to feel bad for all of the swearing.

4:33 A.M.  At least it's better than 4:27 A.M.