A Little Bit of "Random"

Yo. 'Sup. Me too. Mmmmmnooooope.

So, you've discovered my secret. I bet you don't want to read this crap, but it's going to go on Twitter if I don't put it out to the world myself in some other way. And this is somewhat more private anyway, so... stop here if you don't want to feel like I'm a jerk-face. 

I feel mad, and I feel foolish, and I feel hurt, and I feel sad, and I feel sad, and I feel foolish, and I feel like I'm causing more hurt than is necessary for anyone. God, it's not anyone's fault. But it feels like mine. What if I had started learning piano? What if I hadn't ragged on people's choice of food? What if I wasn't such a baby? What if I was any-fucking-one else? And then comes the fear that it's because of someone else. I'm going to be caught in this shitty world of hurt and blame and blame and blame and then I'll add more blame because someone else comes in a picture that I had never thought was for anyone else.  And then I'll go back to blaming myself, because "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent", and apparently I'm consenting the hell out of this situation.  And God damn it, I'll get over it one day. But, also damn it, that day is not today. And I don't want to make it worse, because... I still want to be friends. But I can't be just friends with someone that I still love in that way, so to make it there, I've gotta cut myself off completely for a while. And by the time I'm back to "friend" level, will we even want to be friends? This is what sucks. It's not like when you're starting a relationship and you can go slowly. No, you have a little piece of privilege cut out of your happy sphere then and there, and then it takes a lot of time to patch it up to get it rolling again, and by that time you might rather have a triangle. So I don't forgive myself for being a bitch. Because I'm making this worse than it needs to be because -- God damn it! -- I had a happy sphere. And I thought my sphere could only get better. So there I am.  Everyone knows I'm a bitch now, if everyone knows enough to highlight the page to learn my secrets.  Also, how fucking screwed am I if somehow my subscribers have this emailed to them without color? So fucking screwed. So there you have it. I'm probably screwed.