Bound through the Fold

            Life is still scary.  There are new fears and old fears and fears that I take from other people and lay out on my lap at night.  But I feel good, despite how scary everything is.
            I tend to be an optimist, but sometimes the darkness gets me down.  Finding little lights every day, I grasp and try to hold on to them forever.  Sometimes they stay with me, well-wishes next to my heart, and sometimes they fall onto paper and drift underfoot to the boxes under my bed.
            I have all sorts of tools of nostalgia—journals and photos and "happy boxes" full of plastic spoons and ticket-stubs.  I run on manufacturing good nostalgia.
            "Bucket lists" have become really popular over the last few years, but they unsettle me a little.  I don't want to do things because someday the sky will explode or something.  So I just call them "goals".  No particular reason behind them.  Just a long list of goals.
            Apparently I started my goal notebook off in 2010, and those were a bit rough, but I have to admit that it kept me up.  There are a lot of things I've done, accomplishments that I would easily let myself forget, if not for those little Xs.

X Become vegetarian

X Give people hugs voluntarily

X Submit something to Chasms

X Pass on the "Lean on Me" color guard tradition

X If you like someone, tell them!

X Join and compete in Academic Decathlon

X Make paper snowflakes

X Make a self-portrait

X Attend a star party

            Now I add more things to the list than I cross off, but it makes me smile anyway.  From things that seem trivial to things that seem really important, I like looking forward to things.  The future is in rainbow colored pen.  

Get my whole face painted

Meet the Green brothers

Describe my perfect day w/out $$ and live it

Make a snow angel

Go to the 2013 Yule Ball

Take a spur-of-the-moment-trip-to-anywhere—choose a direction and go

Visit Yellowstone

See the northern lights

Light sparklers w/ someone

            Do one thing that makes you smile today.  

DFTBA

Trigger Warning:

depression, self-harm, suicide, eating disorders

            It's kind of nice knowing that the only people who read this blog are people who stalk me.  Hi, stalkers.
            So I don't know.  School started.  I'm stressed, money-wise, time-wise... stress-wise.  But really, I don't give a shit about my problems.  Throw me the shittiest day.  I don't give a shit about my problems.
            All I want, now and forever, is for people to be okay.  Just okay.  I wish it wasn't such a tall order.  I wish it wasn't just a wish.  Every wish I make is for "the health and safety of my loved ones/the happiness of my loved ones".  Pennies, stars, meteors, railroad tracks, eyelashes....  Occasionally it comes to "The health and safety of (name)."  "The happiness of (name)."  I hope and I wish, and perhaps someday the universe will get back to them with good karma.  I hope and I wish; it's all I know to do.
            I hate depression.  I don't hate a single fucking thing more than I hate depression.  It's an illness.  It's a monster with the gravity of a black hole.  I hate hearing people say, "Make yourself happy.  It's all in your head."  Yeah.  Just like you can "happy away" arthritis.  Just like diabetes is all in your pancreas.  Just like leukemia is all in your bones. 
            My friends... I have varying degrees of knowledge.  One friend lets me know if he's depressed.  I spend late nights hugging him and crying because I don't want him to kill himself.  I tell him I love him when he tells me he's cutting, because I can't think of anything else to say.  One friend makes ambiguous tweets about cutting, hopelessness, loneliness.  I don't know what to say to her, either.  One friend tells me he's feeling better, and soon he tells me he's feeling worse.  Most of the time he says nothing, which scares me more.  One friend seems totally fine, but occasionally he tells me he doesn't think his pills are working.  That he's not sure he wants them to work.  That he's tired of taking medication, changing meds, talking to therapists he doesn't really like.  That he's afraid if he wasn't depressed, he would be a different person. 
            Every single one of them is wonderful.  They are the type of people who follow anorexic girls on Twitter to tell them they're beautiful, even though they know it doesn't fix things.  They ask their friends if they're okay, without ever telling them that they themselves are not.  They hug people when they had a bad day.  They stay up late nights asking their friends not to kill themselves, even though they've been there too.  They tell me they want me to be happy, even when they are nowhere close. 
            I want them to be okay.  They deserve to be okay.
            It takes money and medication and time to make depression better, and I hear it's a tough journey, even if you have all of those things at your disposal.  But students have to pay for school.  Medication takes trial and error.  Their side effects can be depressing in themselves: nausea, increase in depression, increase in suicidal thoughts.  Even if they work, you can be getting better and never know because you still don't feel good.  And there's this social stigma that says you can't talk about depression, because it's not real.  You're whiny.  You're just looking for attention.  There are worse things in the world.  So you suffer alone, again.
            Tell a friend he should go to the emergency room, except he could never afford it.  Talk one friend out of suicide, but live knowing that next week we could be together in tears again.  Hear someone calling putting on a happy face "staying strong".
            I hate depression.  I hate it more than wet socks, bird poop in my hair, diabetes, Hitler.  Nothing would make me happier than happiness.  True, lasting, happiness.  Or contentedness.  Being okay.  Even feeling "not bad".
            But I don't know what I can do.  I can try to be a friend.  I can give them hugs.  I can let them talk to me, even though I will have no words to give back except "I love you."
            So I'll keep doing that.  I'll make wishes for them to get better, and hope every day that, somehow, wishes work.  I'll tell them I love them.  They'll never grasp how much I do.

            I love you so much. 

DFTBA

"It's not *optimistic*..."

            You know that feeling... when you're just really tired of yourself?  Like, Hey, self, could you not?  Could you maybe shape up your chemical functions?  There's a little bit of a maintenance problem.  Could you not make me feel like shit right now?  Could you maybe learn how to talk to people?  Cool.  I'll be over here not expecting anything.
            Yeah, I've been feeling like that. -_-
            The rational part of my brain keeps telling me that things will fix themselves.  That I'll be stressed out for a little bit longer, but then I'll adjust and things will be nice.  Easy.  Don't forget to be awesome in the meantime, says rational self.  But then brain is like CHEMICAL FUN LAB PLAYTIME and then I'm left with ha ha ha no...
            And everyone else I love is stressed or hurt or depressed and I can't fix it, no matter how much I wish I could, and I try, knowing I'll fail.  I just want them all to be okay.  I want you all to be okay.  I want everyone to just be okay.  
            I just want to cry and sleep the next week away.  But somehow I'll force worthwhile pastimes to succeed!

(Fun fact, it feels like half of my low blood sugar readings are 69, and that makes me smile like an idiot because I'm an idiot.)

DFTBA, DFTBA

Life Happens

            It's been a while since I just talked about my life.  I can talk about abstractions all day long! Then I talk about myself in big blocks and not again.  HA HA I'm a sucker.
            I've had an awesome summer.  I thought about doing color guard for one more season, but I'm sort of glad I didn't.  It's been my first summer to actually relax!  It's been a smooth transition with the new captains.  They've been doing really well, and it's nice to see them taking charge and making friends.  I'm really hoping that everyone will continue to work hard.  I would love to see Copper Hills placing on our own merit!  First place this winter just made me hungry for Copper Hills to earn itself a permanent place.  Hopefully I'll make it to some competitions—I've always loved them!
           I've been hanging out with some friends, as one should!  Paint war, movies, pizza party, stargazing, random talks, late-night walks.  I even got to be in a Brogan Kelby music video with Olivia and Aaron on accident... I just wanted to hang with my friends, but hey, it works!  (Sidenote: Aaron's sister Eva is the cutest little kid ever.)  Thursday my old group of friends is getting together to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show, and I'm excited!  It will be just like old times.  Minus kissing any screens containing Rocky.  That was a little weird of our young selves...
            And then I've been hanging out with a more-than-friends friend... He's really cool, and I like him a lot.  :)  My middle school self would be shocked, which just makes me super happy that I grew up out of middle school!  He's awesome, and being with him is always a highlight of my month or week or day.  I don't know what I ever did to get here, but I'm happy with how things have turned out.
            And then besides all of that, I've just been hanging out with myself.  Like introverts do. :)  I'm reading Divergent by Veronica Roth, which is fantastic.  Writing a bit of poetry.  I'm teaching myself how to belly dance, which is fun!  I like saying I can do something a little weird.  It can be my party trick or something!  Midnight dancing on the patio.  Going for walks.  Petting cats, like a crazy cat lady.
            Alex's friend Amira just moved and we actually adopted their cat, Baby Girl.  She's an adorable little gray kitty!  Makes me kind of sad because I realize how old my cats are; Oreo is about 13 and Tina is about 12.  We've had them since we were little kids, and I just really wish cats could live as long as humans.  I don't ever want to lose them.  But they're here now, and I love my cutie kitties dearly!
            So even though the summer hasn't been free of pain and drama, it's made me grateful.  I have friends who will ask me what's up if I'm having a bad day.  Friends who will give hugs just because we need them.  Family who will help me when I run out of options and panic.  And I hope that I help my friends out too.  I realize I've told people that I love them a lot lately, but it's because I really love them.  I may be a quiet person, but I really feel strongly for people.  I care a lot about my friends, about you guys.  I want you to be happy.  I want you to feel comfortable and content in your life.
            If there's ever anything I can do to help make your days better, let me know, legitimately.  I might not always know what to say, but I like to listen.  I hear I give good hugs.  I feel the happiest when the people close to me are the happiest, and I'd always like to help.  I legitimately love you guys.  I just think it's important for you to know. 
            So overall, I've been good.  I'm happy with my life, even though I'm still a little nervous for the future.  My happiness outweighs any negativity, and I hope to work through the negative too.  :)  Just remembering to "treat others as you would like to be treated" is making me feel better about life.  Empathy is important but too easily forgotten.  Everyone has their own troubles and happiness, and we need to actively recognize every person as a person.  Simply remembering everyone is alive can be strangely shocking, but that's how you remember the worth and dignity of each person. 
            "Don't forget to be awesome" still applies!  I hope you all remember to be awesome too!  Whether in happiness or in sadness, don't forget to be awesome to others and to yourself.  Your feelings and needs are just as important as anyone else's. Do what will make the most awesomeness!  Do what is important.  Do what you want to do with your life!  Something good can work, and it can work for you!  You deserve a good life.  You really do.  :)  Love your faces!

Don't forget to be awesome!

Happy Esther Day!

            My day was completely made by the time I saw that it's Esther Day!  I've already shouted celebrations of life and love from all other social media, but this is the best holiday, and I must celebrate life and love even more!
            Whether by shyness or by tragedy, we don't always get the chance to tell people we love them.  We are grateful for people in silence, but for some reason don't let them know that we love them.  Perhaps we think it's weird, to just tell people without context.  But here's your context!
            "I love you!  It's Esther Day, a day to remember the life of someone who changed many lives for the better!  You changed my life for the better, and for that and many other things, I love you!"
            Apparently people read my blog sometimes, even if you guys never let me know.  For taking an interest in my life, thank you.  For random acts of kindness, moments of sympathy, beautiful half-spoken thoughts, loving others—for those things, I love you.  I love you! 

Happy Esther Day!

Don't forget to be awesome!

Passion

            Talk. 
            It's easy to believe in until it's gone missing.  I don't write because I haven't started and, therefore, can't.  But the words are down and they don't stop.  We find ourselves writing the names of our friends and colors to fill the perpetual emptiness ahead.  Fill in the void until we trip across the uprooted sidewalk and remember how beautiful the trees are.  Green, like us. 
            We spend our nights on the porch whispering lyrics to the night.  Remember when you found yourself in the dark?  You danced at the moon in a salutation to chaos. 
            We praise the sun for creating such beautiful clouds.  We praise Tumblr for helping us believe pizza is all-powerful.  Remember when you wanted to drive for hours?  Maybe you did.  You listened to the radio until it was all late-night talk, and you rolled down the windows and listened to the cold air.  You went too fast.  You got lucky. 
            We sit in rooms alone, waiting for inspiration that usually forgets to show.  We write swear words and draw our faces in steamy mirrors, laughing before we rub it away.  Remember when you stayed up all night?  You watched the sunrise.  It was disorienting.  You just wanted to sleep, but you crossed your arms against the chill with your eyes wide. 
            We talk around people, and sometimes it turns into talking to them.  Sometimes they hear.  Sometimes we hear too.
            We watch and listen for quiet and bottle it up.  Kiss the glass before we go to bed.  Wait for a particularly normal day to break it on the streets and fall into the passion pit.
            It is new white linen in sticky heat.  Sun-washed wood and broken windows.  Wind in the grasses and stalled singing.  It is red in our eyes and red in our hands.  And we will crawl for it.  We will dance for it. 

The Night Doesn't End 'til We Look Up

            Last month felt overfilled with the undeniable terror of being alive and young.  Sometimes it feels like the months should split my life into easily-digestible portions.  "March of 2012", lessons on heartbreak. "October of 2012", lessons on faith in self.  "June of 2013", lessons on losing faith in self.  Really though, I can't split my months up into different versions of me.  I still have the same mistakes and fears trailing behind me.  The same hopes trekking ahead.
            I've spent a lot of summer so far having flashbacks to ninth grade year.  Not because the comforting yuck of high school was like the terror of eighth grade.  No, I've just spent a lot of time on the swings.  And messing up my sleep "schedule".  (Meh, there's routine.  Who needs daylight for the internet?)
            My body has probably outgrown swings, or simply outgrown itself.  In sixth grade I was still terrified by the thought of tampons. Six years later, I come back to that swing-set with thighs pressed together and forcing me to swing pigeon-toed.  Ninth grade, I sat on those swings and tried to make an honest poet of myself.  Self-plug, I think I've gotten a bit better.  But it's the stupid answers to unasked questions like, "shadows are really just the absence of light" and "I will never see these clouds again, and they will never see me" that gave me an appreciation for the passing thought.  I don't know what poetry is.  I could talk to you about it, sure.  I could hook you up with some mega-awesometastic poets.  But honestly?  I write crap down because I will forget it before I forget my own name, and that's too soon.
            Every second of my life is a passing thought.  I treasure my past because the nostalgia holds these strings of me together.  I don't need to sever pieces of myself to make room.  RachelBot 2.0 is gonna be bad ass and still remember the fear.  The fear of visiting campus alone.  The fear for a friend's happiness.  The fear of losing people I love.  The fear of running out of freaking chocolate milk mix.  The fear of jumping into the abyss not knowing if it's as empty as it sounds. 
            So, yes, if I could compartmentalize my life, June would be the month of existential crises.  Really though, who are we kidding?  If it was just a month of one's life, we wouldn't have so much existential art in the world.  I'll be scared again.  I'll want to cry for all reasons and for none of them.  I'll stare at GIFs of a "kitten burrito" for straight minutes.  I'll hug my sister until she thinks it's awkward.  I'll be blogging at 4:13 A.M. again, I'm sure.
            Just like I can't split up my past evenly, I can't split up my future.
            I need to remember to be grateful for my days turning to years.  I'm lucky to have time passing with me.  I can do things to better myself, and others.  I can also do things like laze around and just eat up 2 Broke Girls episodes like potato chips.  Those days are needed.  (Also, Kat Dennings is the best.)
            Of course I'll be worrying.  I come from anxious blood!  I'll be anxious.  But my anxieties can be used for good!  I'm anxious, but I'm so hopeful.  I know I can do these things.  The process ends up being the most exciting part.  Life is but a "process of finding and re-finding yourself."

            Some more life updates: I got a 5 on my AP Biology and AP English Literature and Composition tests!  I wasn't expecting to do so well, especially remembering how badly I felt... yet another reason to believe in myself.  That score was really important to me.  "English Literature and Composition" is basically what I want to do with the rest of my life.  Being told I'm "extremely well qualified" is flattering—flirting with me in all the right ways (except that it's just a number on an academic website and not a human being, ya know).  Guys, take hint—I like my ego gently stroked.
            We've been getting some wonderful summer storms!  I'm awe-struck every time I sit to watch the lightning and feel the thunder shaking my house.
            I went to Barnes & Noble yesterday.  I almost cried looking at the reader's guide in The Fault in Our Stars: "Exclusive Collector's Edition".  Thank goodness it's all on TFiOS Questions Answered!  I bought The Book Thief and Divergent, highly-recommended.  Super grateful for that $50 gift card Daisy Buchanan got me, it's finally gone.  Buying books is extremely satisfying.
            Also, I might have had slight influence on a friend reading TFiOS!  It's literally the only book I suggest to every single person ever.  I want you to laugh until your heart breaks.  Accept it.  Read The Fault in Our Stars.
            Every time this song comes up, it overtakes me, and I'm reminded of why it is my favorite song.  As a lover of music, it's good.  As a lover of words, it's wonderful.  

            Finally, some mantras.

"If the ocean can calm itself, so can you. We are both salt water mixed with air."
"When I breathe in, I breathe in peace—when I breathe out, I breathe out love."

"Don't forget to be awesome."

DFTBA